I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
