He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
