just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
