I'm lost and stupid without you.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
