I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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