wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
