sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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