Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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