Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I cockslap morals
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
