I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
