if i can run in heels then i can drive
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
