I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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