I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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