Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
