I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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