I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just found a bag of teeth...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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