drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize