i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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