god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
