If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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