Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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