God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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