Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
