Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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