He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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