there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
All I want is dick and wine.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
