My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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