I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
