I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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