Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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