and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
