I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
