haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
