maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
