i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
