Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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