I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
