Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
