I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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