this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
