just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
