On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
