I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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