I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
