Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
