I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
