cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
