Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
