god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
