Porn is love you can see.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
