You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
