You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
