It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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