forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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