I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
