Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She said her name was "party"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
