butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
