I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
