even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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