I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize