Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
