last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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